David Whyte
When your eyes are tired
the world is tired also.
When your vision has gone
no part of the world can find you.
Time to go into the dark
where the night has eyes
to recognize its own.
There you can be sure
you are not beyond love.
The dark will be your womb
tonight.
The night will give you a horizon
further than you can see.
You must learn one thing.
The world was made to be free in
Give up all the other worlds
except the one to which you belong.
Sometimes it takes darkness and the sweet
confinement of your aloneness
to learn
anything or anyone
that does not bring you alive
is too small for you.
As many of you already know, I’ve been in an uphill battle against health complications brought on by my eating disorder. Trees are being trimmed, carols are being sung, and I’m headed back to residential treatment.
I pray that one day we will live in a world where ED treatment is as accessible and affordable as other chronic illnesses, but the reality is that today eating disorders have the highest fatality rate of any mental illness. One third of those who suffer from ED will die of complications related to their disorder, many of them because they didn’t have access to treatment.
A person with cancer is rallied around. A person with an eating disorder is shushed.
These past months I’ve even felt incriminated by medical professionals who lack understanding and compassion for eating disorders as a result of miseducation. I kid you not, I’ve sat in doctor’s offices only to be accused and reprimanded as if my disorder were something that were shamefully my fault.
And you wonder why so many don’t seek treatment or even speak out.
What’s more, the lack of understanding our health care system possesses on eating disorders makes treatment unattainably expensive. To put things in perspective, my family is losing our home of twenty one years to medical expenses.
Miraculously, I’ve been blessed to glimpse foreshadows of change in the support and generosity of loved ones through these past months. My family started a GoFundMePage to try to alleviate some of our medical debt and the response has been overwhelming. In the first twenty four hours, we received over $1000 dollars. In just thirteen days, we’ve received nearly $5000. These contributions have already helped us significantly.
If you’re reading this, would you do me a favor? Please continue to share my family’s GoFundMe page. All I want for Christmas is for my family not to lose our home my eating disorder.
In addition, dear friends, I invite you to share my story. Its funny, anyone who knows me will tell you that I really hate being the center of attention, but I’m learning that the only way to give meaning to this pain is to use my story to prevent others from going through the same experiences.
Learn from my life. I know I am.
I often feel like Harry Potter. Not in the sense that I have a lightning bolt scar or a stag patronus, but I feel like Harry in that nothing in my life has ever been achieved without the help of golden friends.
A person can only take so much.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve said this in the past year and every time I think things can’t get any tougher, the sky turns from rain to hail. Right now I’m standing in a torrential downpour of porcupines.
Oh, and they’re rabid. And on fire.
Truth be told, I’m in the midst of the most difficult season of life thus far. Physically, emotionally, mentally.
A person can only take so much. This much is true.
But I’ve been reminded that when you can take no more, true friends step in and carry you. Or in Harry’s case, true friends step in and stupefy your enemies.
Friendship is God’s greatest gift to humanity. I am only breathing today because of all the blessed fools who’ve stuck with me through every twist and turn of my insane life.
Everything - home, health, sanity - don’t place any stock in any of it. None of it lasts.
The only stable ground we have to stand on is love.
If it takes a lifetime of suffering to solidify this truth, then bring on the rain.
I don’t have words to adequately express the gravity of my gratitude.
Rather, I raise my glass of Ensure to all the beautiful people who’ve reminded me that life is worth fighting for. I will spend my eternity trying to become a person worthy of everyone’s generosity.
Merry Christmas, everybody. Thank you. God bless you.
Your Ren